Cancer patients often hear comments like these from family and friends when they disclose their diagnosis. But even though loved ones usually mean well when they say these things, such comments may feel unhelpful, or even hurtful, to someone who’s just been diagnosed with cancer.
So, what should family and friends NOT say to someone living with cancer and/or undergoing treatment? To find out from cancer patients who’ve been there, City of Hope®’s online community Cancer Fighters — which unites people who are fighting the disease — asked cancer patients: What’s the one phrase you wish people would stop saying?
This article shares several of their key takeaways, giving friends and family guidelines for what not to say to someone living with cancer, and some helpful advice on positive, reassuring things to say:
- Avoid telling a cancer survivor: You’ll be okay
- Try not to offer advice; be a good listener first
- Don’t criticize someone for feeling anxious or upset
- Be patient if treatment progress is slow
- What to say to someone who has cancer
If you or a loved one is concerned about possible signs or symptoms of cancer and would like an initial consultation or a second opinion, call us 24/7 at 877-460-4673.
Avoid Telling a Cancer Survivor: You’ll Be OK
To someone living with cancer, hearing a loved one say, “You’ll be okay” or “You’ll beat this” may feel more like an insensitive remark that may make a patient feel pressure to be upbeat — particularly if that person’s prognosis is unknown, several Cancer Fighter patients said.
In some cases, such statements may even make a patient feel even more isolated and less connected to the person who says such things. For many patients, getting comfortable living with the uncertainty and anxiety about the effectiveness of their therapy — and empathetic support from loved ones — is more important than hearing empty platitudes.
“I wish people wouldn’t say, ‘You'll beat this,’” said one Cancer Fighter member. “While it's meant as encouragement, it can put pressure on patients.”
Another agreed, noting statements like this one don’t reflect the reality of some cancer patients’ experiences or prognosis.
“I started my journey with a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis, and during my first in-person visit I was told it was not likely I could be cured,” she said. “It feels like I’m lying for everyone else’s sake when I have to respond hopefully to someone who says, ‘You’ll beat this.’ My treatments feel like they have been responding well but my health has been drastically compromised twice from side effects so far.”
Try Not to Offer Advice; Be a Good Listener First
There’s an old saying in cancer survivorship: Don’t just do (or say) something, stand there! The idea, of course, is that many people feel a need to SAY or DO something, when they hear someone has been diagnosed with cancer. But the truth is it’s often best NOT to offer advice at all, but simply be present for someone living with cancer — just be a good listener and perhaps ask how they may provide the most helpful support, said several Cancer Fighters members.
“What helped me most wasn't advice or explanations,” said one member, “It was people listening without trying to fix or reframe what I was going through.”
Don’t Criticize Someone for Feeling Anxious or Upset
Hearing someone say, “You have to stay positive,” when you’re feeling anxious or upset may feel like a verbal slap in the face for some patients. Similarly, a loved one who says, “I know what you’re going through,” may actually suggest they’ve no idea what a cancer patient’s journey involves — from the difficulty of diagnosis through the challenges of treatment and the struggles that inevitably come during survivorship.
As one Cancer Fighters member noted, every cancer patient is waging a silent war almost no one can understand or appreciate — even if they themselves have had cancer. No two patient experiences are exactly the same.
“Everyone is different and this is such a difficult journey,” described another member. “I’m a little over two years since I found the lump in my breast. But because it’s so aggressive, I still have a long journey ahead of me and the side effects have been lifechanging. It’s sad, I never expected this, but it is what it is and I just need to move forward.”
Be Patient if Treatment Progress Is Slow
It’s natural and maybe even helpful for loved ones to ask a person living with cancer about treatment. But what isn’t helpful is suggesting that once cancer treatment is completed, the journey is over, according to several Cancer Fighters members.
“I think my most uncomfortable question that I was wish people wouldn’t ask is ‘How many treatments do you have left?’” said one member. “I wasn’t given an estimate or any definite number to be my goal. It seems like it makes the person asking either uncomfortable or confused when I say so — as if that’s not how it works. That, in turn, gets me worried, and I suddenly have to give myself courage to trust the process all over again.”
Another added that it’s very disheartening when friends or relatives point to other cancer survivors’ experiences, suggesting their treatments were a breeze and completed quickly.
“I wish everyone would stop asking why my treatments are taking so long because they know so and so had cancer treatment and it was over quickly,” said a Cancer Fighter. “The other bothersome phrase is ‘Well so and so had breast cancer and after X number of treatments she totally beat , so you’ll be okay.’”
What to Say to Someone Who Has Cancer
Now that you know what not to say to someone who’s recently been diagnosed with the disease or may be undergoing treatment, what do cancer patients wish loved ones would say — and do — to be supportive? According to Cancer Fighters members and the American Psychosocial Oncology Society, some of the most helpful things for friends or loved ones to say to someone with cancer (and why they’re usually appropriate) are listed below.
I'm so sorry, I'm here for you. Sometimes the simplest thing to say is the right choice — this phrase acknowledges the gravity of the news, while letting the person know you’re there to help.
Thank you for telling me, I know that wasn't easy. Reflecting on the vulnerability it takes to share a diagnosis helps open the door to open dialogue and deeper emotional connection.
I don't know what to say, but I care about you. Honest and direct, this phrase lets the person know he or she doesn’t feel the need to manage your emotions.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it sounds really hard. By validating the patient’s experience, you’re not minimizing it, while also expressing your own feelings.
Do you want to talk about it, or just be together now? This gives the person control over whether to chat, express their feelings or talk about something other than cancer. Another way to say this: “I can’t imagine what you're going through, but I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk.”
You don't have to be brave or positive around me. The implicit message here — whatever you're feeling is OK — lets the person drop the pressure to present a falsely positive brave face.
I love you and I’m not going anywhere. For the closest relationships, these words may be the most honest and direct way to connect with someone living with cancer. Like the others on this list, this isn’t a carefully crafted sentence and doesn’t try to fix, predict or reframe the circumstances. It simply says: I see you, this is hard and I'm here to help you in any way you need me.
One last thing to keep in mind: The number of cancer survivors is on the rise, with the American Cancer Society’s latest annual report showing 70% of Americans diagnosed with cancer in the United States now live five years or more after diagnosis.
“Seven in 10 people now survive their cancer five years or more, up from only half in the mid-’70s,” said Rebecca Siegel, the organization’s senior scientific director and lead author of the report. “This stunning victory is largely the result of decades of cancer research that provided clinicians with the tools to treat the disease more effectively, turning many cancers from a death sentence into a chronic disease.”
What these statistics indicate is that there’s a great likelihood that someone you know or love will be diagnosed with and treated for cancer. Knowing what to say — and NOT to say — to someone you love with the disease makes a meaningful difference when it comes to offering support, cancer survivors say.
If you or a loved one is concerned about possible signs or symptoms of cancer and would like an initial consultation or a second opinion, call us 24/7 at 877-460-4673.